Goddess Please Let Me Sleep....

so I won't be a bitch. I finally managed to fall asleep at 7:00 a.m..... I've had sleep issues since I was a lil girl... I can remember laying in bed at night crying because I couldn't go to sleep long after the other kids had... and I wasn't allowed to get up either... so I just laid there and cried... until sleep would finally wrap itself around me.

I still struggle with falling asleep... you see my brain will just not shut up and leave me alone.... I'm haunted by my own thoughts of things I need to do.... should have done... should have done differently... and things that happened that day or will happen in the days to come. It seems to come in spurts... sometimes it's much harder than other times... it seems to be brought on by stress and worry about what's going on in my life... and sometimes by some sub-conscious knowing that something just isn't right. I'll have trouble getting to sleep for days for apparently no reason... and then days later something will happen that I didn't expect.... and I know that it was the reason for my problem.

I've learned ways to deal with it over the years.... like reading a book until I fall asleep so my own thoughts can't torment me... but when you have other people in your bed it's kind of hard to do that and be comfortable and not disturb anyone. So I can also watch TV until I fall asleep.... and lately that is what I do... I lay on the couch and watch TV until I fall asleep. Trouble is I have to get to the point in sleep where I can eventually wake up and go get in bed without getting too awake to go back to sleep once I get there... or the process has to start all over again...

That's what happened last night... I fell asleep tried to go get in bed... but once I got there I was wide awake again. I've been in this really difficult state of trying to get to sleep for several months now... my sleep schedule is soooo messed up.... I'm up until 4-5:00 am.... and then and then when Steffie wakes up around 8:00am I'm still wanting more sleep... so I lay in bed and doze in and out for a few more hours while she plays and watches her shows in the next room. I'm really sick of this.... and it's soooo not good for her. I'm so thankful when Adrian is home in the mornings to be with her while I sleep.... but he's not always here in the mornings.... and Steffie is asking why Mommy sleeps until lunch time.

Last night was a really tough one... on top of being really stressed by this whole 'moving to New Orleans' thing.... I made huge mistake last night... I opened our electric bill and saw that our usage for last month was triple what it was for our March bill last year... and double what it was for last month! How on earth can that be??? We've had heating issues... but it shouldn't have made the bill that high... we've had the same issues on and off for years and it never made our bill increase that much.... and of course it's the weekend so I can't even call about it until Monday.... and when I do call I'm sure they will say it was no mistake. But I just don't see how it increased so much. I keep my breakers off for everything we're not using.... stove, washer, dryer, dishwasher etc.... I only flip the breakers on when I'm using them and right back off when I'm done.... and we keep everything unplugged that we're not using as well. I really should not have opened that bill until this morning. So now I'm totally stressed... and looking at another night of major sleep issues. I didn't even sleep in this morning... when Steffie woke me up I couldn't go back to sleep.... does that mean I'll fall asleep easier tonight.... nope... I know from experience that it will not.... I'll just be miserably sleepy and unable to fall asleep... again...

I need a vacation... I need to get rid of some stress and worry... but that just not likely to happen...

I hope everyone has a much better weekend than I'm having...

A Lil Enchanted,
~LaShan~